Once upon a time, possibly earlier today, there was a woman who tried on her new swimsuit in (mental) preparation for her first trip to the pool this weekend. Looking over her shoulder into the mirror, a maneuver that is really never a good idea under most circumstances for a woman of her age, she discovered a disquieting situation. Where her thighs used to be, there were now these things attached above her knees that bore a vague and unfortunate resemblance to hams. The pale, uncooked kind of hams purchased at Easter to be slowly roasted for a large buffet and served with jello salads.
That kind of hams.
“Oh, that is so very unfortunate,” she exclaimed, using more colorful and imaginative language that cannot be repeated here. The dog seemed to nod in agreement, or was perhaps ducking out of the way in case the situation turned farther south.
She had joined a gym (again) that very morning, but alas, that would not likely help the situation by tomorrow. Knowing that a brown sugar/molasses glaze makes the forementioned Easter centerpiece that much more appealing, she searched the cosmetics graveyard for a bottle of self-tanning mousse from last summer. She baked on the sunny deck for one hour, turning every 15 minutes. Wisely, she stopped short of lightly scoring and studding with cloves. It did occur to me her, however, that a skirted Miraclesuit in a summery print of pineapple rings and maraschino cherries would be a nice touch.
The other day my 6-year old made the comment that if man hadn’t invented mirrors, we wouldn’t know what we looked like. (Reflections in pools of water and other shiny things just don’t give an accurate enough image to count!) Wouldn’t that be nice!
Although I guess we could still see our “hams.” Although personally mine most strongly resembles cottage cheese in both color and texture…
Okay, now you’ve me inspired for a trip to the Y where I will exercise while taking great effort to avoid mirrors.
Cindy Zahneis said:
That story sounds soooo familiar. I avoid mirrors now unless I am fully clothed. See you at the gym!
I thought I was bringing the ham! It looks like we’ll just have leftovers at the end of the season….Miraclesuit, Miracle Whip. What’s the difference?
karen from mentor said:
You’re PINK? I mean as in flesh colored? That’s so cool. I’m iridescent, incandescent put on your sunglasses and shade the children’s eyes white.
“Oh, that is so very unfortunate,” was funny!
I want to see a photo of the swimsuit.
(smiles at you)
as I was reading this, it occurred to me that my hams actually move like a jello salad. it also occurred to me that i was hungry. time to feed the hams