Tags
Today’s rule of thumb: when trying to prepare youngest son for 4th grade human growth and development class by sharing pertinent and potentially shocking information ahead of time, it is a really, really, REALLY good idea to check the curriculum first.
*
Like most of my escapades, this adventure started out innocently enough. Older child had found said 4th grade human growth and development class quite stressful and uncomfortable. Presumably, for him, such information would best be discussed in the privacy of his own home. Or preferably, not at all.
Ever.
Too embarrassing for words.
So, since the Little One had been asking me A LOT of questions, I thought I would share some key pieces of information the night before The Class, so he wouldn’t be shocked in front of all his friends.
Oh, was he shocked. And awed. And, frankly, pretty disgusted.
The situation discussed in appropriate, accurate terms in a straightforward, honest way about a natural, loving act? This situation had never crossed his mind. That goes there and then that happens??? He was flabbergasted. I felt confident and reassured in my motherly role, teaching my child important life lessons and setting the stage for future open and honest discussions about this important topic. I was relieved I had saved him the embarrassment of learning these things in front of all his peers.
*
Fast forward to dinner the following evening.
Youngest: “It turns out human growth and development class doesn’t start until tomorrow.”
Me: “That’s nice. At least you are ready!” Reassuring motherly smile.
Dad: Smirk. ( He is so mature. )
Oldest: “You know Mom, that class only covers the P word.”
Me: Silently wonder what the P word is.
Oldest: “You know, puberty. And just the boy parts.”
Me: Realization slowly dawning on my pea brain. “Really? Nothing else? No other details?? Like about where babies come from???”
Oldest: “No! But I sure learned a lot of new things last night when I listened (read: eavesdropped) to your conversation with (youngest) while I was brushing my teeth.”
All: Awkward Silence.
Dad: Smirk.
Me: “Oh, never mind then. Please pass the broccoli.”
*
Another stellar parenting moment.
*
Okay, so arguably it is still best to explain these things before they learn it on the bus. I thought they had already heard a version of It on the bus. He has already shared graphic hand gestures, questionable anatomical terms and sundry mysterious concepts from the bus rides, asking me what they meant. Apparently the bus is not quite as technically informative as I imagined. And the look of sheer horror on dear Youngest’s face when I explained It? …oh dear. He was not ready. The older one did not even know yet. I goofed.
So, I did what any self-respecting parent would do the following morning (which was today): I told him I had been kidding and made the whole ridiculous thing up. HA! Funny Mommy!! So silly!!! Because who would ever put that into there ON PURPOSE! That’s just crazy talk!
We’ll see what he shares this time after he comes home on the bus…
jane, candid 
I was just giggling as I read your story. Been there. So many times! OMG, so funny!! I’ve learned to ask before launching, but it took me years. And they love to ask at the worst times…I almost ran off the road while driving once because I was laughing so hard about what my oldest had asked me me of in front of his three younger siblings.
And, why is it that the husband just smirks? Mine does too…
Oh — that is too funny! The poor little guy!
My husband was driving our 4th grader and a bunch of his friends home from a night at the Y this year when one of the boys told a joke that sounded harmless enough until he got to the punchline, which turned out to be very sexual in nature. None of the kids got it, not even the one who told it … he just knew it was supposed to be funny. My husband warned the other parents of the kids who were in the van (wouldn’t want the kids asking questions and the parents to wonder what the heck kind of conversations we condone in our household!!!) Then he had as vague of a version of “the talk” as he could get away with with our son. The little guy walked around with a dazed expression on his face for days!
At our school the boys and girls are taken in separate groups for “the talk” in 5th grade, with emphasis on what their particular gender goes through. Then in 7th grade there is another talk, this time enlightening the kids more about what the opposite gender goes through. One of my friend’s sons came home after learning about “that time of the month” and went up to his mother and said, in a really sympathetic voice, “Mom, I am soooo sorry!”
Jane,
It’s hours later. I’m still guffawing. It doesn’t take much to delight me as you know, and I look for things to delight IN every day…..THIS BY FAR WAS THE HIGHLIGHT OF MY WEEK.
And I have to tell you that I just got back from walking at my favorite park where I saw a flying squirrel IN THE DAYTIME..fly…AND YOUR STORY STILL TOPS THAT.
oh jane, you are amazing to have shared.
And as far as therapy, naw, all of the other great stuff will smooth out this bump in the road.
Hugs!
Karen
FYI – in 6th grade, they don’t cover “how”, only “what” using anatomical diagrams. (This is from Trent). So you can’t expect them to get much there.
Just have them watch a Sims game (they can come watch Abby). When Trent got “the talk” and was asked if he knew what it was, he said “Yeah, it’s when you go (motions indicating lots of movement) under the covers”. That’s what happens on Sims before they have a baby.
: )
Sure, Georgianne, now you tell me 🙂
(oops I forgot to ask you first)
That is hilarious! You are grace under fire! When I told my oldest about “what goes where,” he was only five, and I’d walked headlong into the conversation before I saw it coming. I had so much forward momentum, I really could not think of how to switch directions, or go in reverse. I like your method… the parental equivalent to “It was all a dream.”
Judy, like a whole season of Dallas…
*Putting fingers in ears* LaLaLaLaLaLa…
The talk can’t be coming up this soon. It just can’t.
Or you could pull my trick: check out all of the books regarding puberty, human reproduction, etc from the library, stuff them into the seat pockets in your van, and hit the highway for 16 days! Your approach is so much more….candid, jane. hugs-
I can just imagine the “look of sheer horror”… That look happens to every child when they hear about “It” for the first time. I have very few recollections of my childhood but learning about It still has its special place in my memory bank. As a mom, I have one talk down and one to go… and I think that talk is just on the horizon!
Oh my oh my oh my oh oh oh myyyyyyyyyyy Jane, I was actually snorting. Snorting with laughter. You made me snort. laugh some more, then snort some more. I’ve never done it before. It was QUITE unladylike.
Well I’ve done “it”….just not recently. (you know now I’m not talking about snorting right?)
Holy cow. If I was there in your kitchen right now I’d give you a hug. You are a stellar mom and a warm loving caring individual with a good heart. Just a sucky sense of timing.
He’ll tell this story at his graduation…just wait.
Hugs to you!
Karen
Karen: It may also come up in the therapist’s office.
Nan: now that is a trip to remember!